I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
