Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
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