It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
