someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
