you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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