Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
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