I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
