so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
