I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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