for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
