We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
