you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
