I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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