I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Randomize
