Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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