the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
