alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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