I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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