I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
