How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
