the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
