I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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