she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
