Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
