News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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