I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
