Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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