My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
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The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
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In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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