when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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