We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize
