As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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