The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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