Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
