True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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