Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
