Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
