I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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