No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
