So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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