a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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