youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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