Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
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