I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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