how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
