did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
