I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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