we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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