How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
