Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
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obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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