i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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