Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
