just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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