were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
