I will die if light touches me.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
