Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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