i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
pray to the hookup gods
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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