she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
