I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
