I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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