there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize